Stuck in a habitual pattern, always allowing others to build me up and break me down, carelessly.
It’s raining today and I’m in desperate need of a release. I’d normally turn to running but instead the rain hinders me, I hinder me. My mind serves as my only weakness.
Delusional thoughts lead to fear, fear leads to anger, anger leads to unresolved resentments, resentments lead to unhappiness, and so the cycle goes… continues carelessly without thought. It’s the automaticness of it all that frustrates me.
Knowing that in my own heart, in my own mind, in my own self lies the key to unlock the cycle.
The key lays hidden, almost untraceable. Knowing it’s there behind it all isn’t enough these days. I work to find it, yet I am never close enough. It remains somewhere hidden behind these walls I build, securely, right beyond my reach. I ask myself relentlessly, would I know how to use it if I found it? Where is the manual, the study guide, the self explanatory directions? Those too I hold somewhere within me yet they lay buried just out of my reach. Where are the rules, the answers? And as the search continues I grow weary of the entire process. Exhausted from the struggle, I wonder how many times I can fail before ultimately giving up on it all. With each failure, with each time I exhaust myself believing, just simply trying, another piece of me shatters…and then dies…
I become just merely a shell of my old self.
Fighting the constant, incessant feeling of giving up on it all, of becoming more invisible than I already am, I’d choose to just disappear. Maybe, my own two feet is the only place I belong after all. My irrational mind, my emotional mind tells me that maybe, just maybe I need to take the harder road of leaving the familiar all behind, to move away to some place far, far away and start anew.
When I realize I could be whatever I want in my new home, my new world, a smile slowly spreads across my face. When I think of only surrounding myself with people who truly love me, who know all of me, yet continue to love me through it all, a new hope washes over me. My dreams are endless there, love is endless there, peace, tranquility, safety, affection, true friendship, it’s all endless…there.
Here, life is lived, created…effortlessly…beautifully.
And even in the darkest of nights, I am not alone. I am surrounded by so much love its intoxicating. I am drunk off of life, high off of love. I can feel it all closer know.
As if I can almost taste it. Completely emerged in my thoughts a mellow mood washes over me and somehow in the midst of all the chaos I have found my way home… finally.
-Johanna M. Dunn-
October 1st, 2010
